


Words Left Unspoken

by ChangeForTheBetter



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon - TV, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, POV Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangeForTheBetter/pseuds/ChangeForTheBetter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec doesn't always express himself well with words, but the poor boy sure has a lot going on inside his head. </p>
<p>His thoughts and feelings during the wedding and after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words Left Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the 2016 Shadowhunters Summertime Fest, as a gift for princessofmalec. Alec is my favorite character, so when one of the prompts was his POV on the kiss and just how head-over-heels he is for his warlock, I just had to pick that! Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

The doors swung open, and when Magnus came into view, everything shifted. It was like Alec had been inside a glass box, moving through his own wedding one degree removed, everything muted. And in that moment it just _shattered_.

He came back to himself standing at the altar with his hands held in Lydia’s and he couldn’t take his eyes off of Magnus’ face.

_What was he even doing here?_

Astonishment seemed to be his only functioning emotion, while hundreds of unnamed others somersaulted beneath his ribcage. He heard Jace and Izzy whispering behind him about inviting Magnus, and then his mother was striding down the aisle –

_No –_

Well, dread was working too. It slithered horribly down his stomach at the thought of what she’d do, what she’d say to Magnus.

“Maryce, this is between me and your son. I’ll leave if he asks me to.” His words went ringing through the cathedral, restarting Alec’s heart to a violently thudding rhythm.

He felt foolish now, being worried, wanting to protect the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Magnus could stand up for himself, and here he was, standing at Alec’s wedding, looking him dead in the eye after brushing off Maryce Lightwood…

Alec couldn’t breathe.

Magnus, this incredible, glorious, brave and powerful man was here for _him_. After all he’d done and all the times Alec had turned him away, Magnus still came back. Still came to the Institute, surrounded by Shadowhunters and members of the Clave, to Alec’s very _wedding_ , to ask him one more time if he was sure of his choice.

“You okay buddy?” came Jace’s voice behind him, but he could not answer.

Lydia pulled his attention back to her, but when he looked at her face suddenly he saw this future fly before his eyes– married to Lydia, head of the New York Institute. Everything his parents ever wanted. He would never love her, but he thought he’d be okay. They could respect each other, support each other, follow the orders of the Clave… Until one day he’d work a case and need talk to Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. He’d be unemotional, a proper Shadowhunter, ignoring the could-have-been laid to ashes between them. He’d never be able to do it, he suddenly realized. Alec knew if he went through with this he could never speak to Magnus Bane again and be able to live with himself.

Another shuddering breath left his lips, “I can’t breathe.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

It was sweet of Lydia to comfort him but this was so very, very far from okay.

“I can’t do this. I thought we were doing the right thing, but… this isn’t it.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

Again her words were kind, but it just made Alec feel more terrible. “Lydia, I’m sorry.” She didn’t deserve this, any of this. He’d honestly meant it when he proposed, he thought they could work, but there was no way he could stand here and go through with it with Magnus in the aisle. He regretted causing this public fiasco for her.

“You deserve to be happy,” Lydia says. Alec thinks this may have been the first time anyone told him that, and he can’t help but give a grateful smile. “I’ll be fine.”

As Alec turns back to the aisle, his eyes sweep over the rows of people assembled for this wedding. His friends and family, of course, but also all the dignitaries and influential figures were in attendance, watching him almost make the biggest mistake of his life.

_Well, from their point of view, I’m probably making the mistake now_. He couldn’t help the bitter thought running through his head before he descended the steps, but somehow it didn’t bother him as much as usual.

Alec’s whole life had been trying to mold himself to the expectations of his parents and the Clave, but holding Magnus’ gaze, he found he suddenly didn’t care about what they would think. _I’ve chosen him._ Whatever this was between them, Alec wanted it – wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. It set a fire inside of him just to think about it – made him straighten his shoulders and scared him half to death at the same time.

But whatever it was, Magnus felt it too. It had brought him here, after countless times asking and pushing Alec to admit his feelings and being turned away. He still thought _Alec_ was worth it, to come here and stand in the aisle and wait for an answer.

That choking warmth pushed up in his chest again and without any further thought Alec’s feet were carrying him down the aisle. To _Magnus_. To hell with everything else. There were no rules to be his lifeline anymore so Alec just did what felt right and hauled the warlock towards him, bringing their lips together, _finally_.

As soon as he kissed him, Alec felt the warmth roll through him like a wave. It lit up his cheeks and his fingertips where they were curled in Magnus’ lapels and swooped maddeningly in his stomach, leaving him helpless to do anything but kiss him again. _Does it always feel like this?_ After a few heart-pounding moments, Alec gathered himself and pulled back –

But Magnus swayed forward to follow him, and the look on his face brought the tidal wave crashing back down over Alec’s head. There was passion and trust and – honestly he didn’t want to think too closely to name all those emotions…

He found his breath gasping out of him in the next kiss, nearly trembling with the intensity of this feeling, but at the same time it was calming somehow. It was warm, and it was right, and he was just _happy_. He could gladly have kept kissing Magnus like this for the next eternity – he wanted to know everything that could make him feel like this – but Alec knew this was neither the time nor the place. He pulled away regretfully, but a little more resolutely this time.

“You never cease to amaze me, Alec.” There was wonder in Magnus’ eyes, but it suddenly hit Alec that he’d have to handle all his other ‘amazed’ guests.

“Yeah… What did I just do?” _Oh Raziel, this was not going to be good. How does someone even recover from this?_ Sure enough, his parents were standing stiffly, livid at his outburst that ensured the ruin of the Lightwood name. Maryce stormed off without a word and Robert soon followed. The guilt and responsibility was already settling back on his shoulders, but Izzy was hurrying down the aisle towards them.

“Alec, I am so proud of you,” she beamed. That little ball of warmth rekindled in his chest and Alec thought he had never been more grateful for his little sister. With Izzy and Magnus beside him, he was pretty sure he could face down anything.

 

* * *

 

A handful of uncomfortable conversations with his parents, that infuriating encounter with Camille, and one confrontation with Valentine later, Alec found that optimism tested. Why couldn’t he just be happy with Magnus for a moment? They were busy people, and there was a sociopath out there that they needed to stop, and he needed his parabatai back – he got that…but it was _more_ than that. People – like his parents, like Camille – were actively trying to keep them apart, and it was getting to him a lot more than he had expected.

But Magnus… he was just so calm. Alec was amazed at his ability to tolerate the snide comments that made Alec bristle with anger on his behalf. It was as though they didn’t exist to Magnus, as though the words brushed by on a breeze, unable to touch his smile. That irrational urge rose in Alec again – he wanted to erase those words from existence, make it so Magnus would never have to hear judgments from people that didn’t know him, didn’t lov-

Magnus didn’t deserve this. That was the point. No need to get carried away.

Alec looked up at Magnus across the room, smiling as Jocelyn and Clary clung to each other. Alec wanted Magnus to always look like this - happy, proud to have helped, being a part of this team – _valued_ and belonging. Alec’s chest ached with a strange mixture of wistfulness and joy. He felt like he could drown in that smile.

As the group started to disperse, he stepped over to Magnus. “Let me walk you out.” No one mentioned that Magnus knew the way out or that he could snap his fingers and portal out of that very room, for which Alec was grateful.

 

“Did you want to continue our earlier conversation?” Magnus asked, once they were walking alone in the hallway.

“No. Well, yes, but – “ _How did Magnus always make him this tongue-tied?_ He rubbed the back of his neck in frustration, and a bit of embarrassment. “I wanted to spend some time with you – just… normal. The wedding was a whole fiasco, obviously, and then with all this going on…”

Alec trailed off as he noticed Magnus’ face fall slightly in the middle of his sentence. His smile barely changed but his eyes looked… Closed was the only word that came to mind. Guarded. Suddenly Alec remembered, after the wedding, Magnus hesitantly asking, ‘ _You don’t regret it, do you_?’ And he hadn’t really answered… _By the Angel!_ How could he have been so stupid! Magnus thought –

“Magnus,” Alec pulled his arm, suddenly urgent, “Magnus, I don’t regret it. Sure, I sort of wish I’d come to my senses a little sooner and avoided all of that mess, but I don’t regret choosing you. I’d do it again in a second. I – ”

Alec could feel his breath catching at the emotion he put into the words, because he needed Magnus to know. This warlock had stumbled into his life and changed everything, just by being himself. Magnus was incredible – powerful and forgiving and kind and brave, and Alec knew he was vulnerable too, though he rarely let it show. Magnus was astounding in Alec’s eyes and he needed him to know. Alec cared about him, deeply. He never wanted Magnus to be hurt, by anything Alec might do or by the fact that one day Alec would die and leave him. He might not know what this was yet, but Alec knew it felt huge and important and he didn’t want to screw this up.

He didn’t feel like he was eloquent enough to say half of what he was feeling, but Magnus was looking at him wide-eyed, with the same wonder and joy as when they were standing in the aisle, so Alec guessed it was okay.

“Alexander…” he smiled more fully and his eyes turned playful, “thank you, but I think one dramatic wedding reveal will suffice.”

Alec chuckled. “Okay. Then what about that date – Ethiopian, you said?”

They started walking towards the door again, and as Magnus babbled on about various excellent restaurants in Midtown and the Upper East Side, he laced their fingers together and swung them gently. Alec’s heart squeezed at the small gesture, and he smiled when Magnus’ eyes darted over, checking if it was okay.

Life was hardly perfect, with a genocidal maniac on the loose and judgmental stares from all corners of the Institute, but holding hands with his _boyfriend_ and thinking of all the new firsts still ahead, Alec thought that this was a pretty good place to start.


End file.
